Thank you so much for your interest in The Insight, by Sheba. I hope you enjoyed this week’s blogs about “Relationships.”

Next week’s topic will be “.”

Friday Review: Happy Reading!

1. Resilience Starts With You

• Building resilience in relationships begins with strengthening resilience in yourself. It takes a conscious, daily effort to recognize and reward yourself for personal growth and feel confident with who you are today. Only after you have learned to acknowledge your own strengths will you be able to recognize the strengths in others and put forth the effort to make a valuable relationship work.

2. Resilience for Our Best Selves

• Putting your best self forward and caring for others requires that we replenish personal resilience. After all, replenishing resilience is one of the easiest ways to satisfy our most basic human needs.

3. Listen and Learn.

• We can learn so much from others if we take the time to listen. It is hard to tune out interruptions and learn to quiet ourselves but doing so allows us to focus our attention. Consider the conversations you share with others as opportunities for personal development and relationship growth. If you ever think to yourself “I can’t,” and need motivation, hearing about someone’s struggles, empathizing with that person and recognizing the tremendous courage they exhibited to succeed may inspire you if you listen.

3. Emotional Flexibility

• Learning how to express our emotions is healthier than projecting an image of strength when we are vulnerable or of fearlessness when we are scared, but it takes time to develop that skill. If you have trouble understanding and clarifying your emotions, write down your experience with a given situation and separate yourself from the emotion to better understand your feelings. Being resilient and emotionally flexible are not always talents, but they are personal goals to strive toward.

The Insight— From early on, we’ve been told that “relationships take hard work and commitment,” but did you ever think that commitment to a relationship meant that we need to be committed to developing and putting our best selves forward? As individuals, we need to be resilient to handle the ups and downs of relationships. We cannot support and encourage another person if we cannot support and encourage ourselves.  Build resilience within yourself to develop your best self, then work toward building up others in your relationships.

Have a wonderful weekend!

By Sheba

www.bySheba.com

Creating Positive Perspectives for Life

“Whatever you fear most has no power – it is your fear that has the power. The thing itself cannot touch you. But if you allow your fear to seep into your mind and overtake your thoughts, it will rob you of your life.” ~ Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine

 Choosing to move forward and embrace your true emotions even, if you are afraid, is better then choosing not to move forward at all. It is an act of courage that requires personal awareness.

If an individual learns to express his or her emotions does that make he or she resilient?

Researchers Christian E. Waugh, Ph.D., Renee J. Thompson, Ph.D., and Ian H. Gotlib, Ph.D., of Stanford University found that emotional flexibility is a trait associated with highly resilient individuals. The study found that persons with High-Trait resilience are:

1. Able to adapt one’s emotional responses in a constantly changing emotional environment

2. Able to respond to both positive and negative emotional stimuli accordingly without becoming overwhelmed by emotion

3. Able to manage and clearly convey one’s feelings

(Read More)

The Insight – Learning how to express our emotions is healthier than projecting an image of strength when we are vulnerable or of fearlessness when we are scared, but it takes time to develop that skill. If you have trouble understanding and clarifying your emotions, write down your experience with a given situation and separate yourself from the emotion to better understand your feelings. Being resilient and emotionally flexible are not always talents, but they are personal goals to strive toward.

Do you think emotional flexibility is essential for resilience?

By Sheba

www.bySheba.com

Creating Positive Perspectives for Life

“Some say we are responsible for those we love. Others know we are responsible for those who love us.” ~Nikki Giovanni

As friends, relatives and significant others, we encounter several opportunities to just listen. Sometimes it seems burdensome or feels like a responsibility. But imagine what you could learn from your loved ones if you envisioned that responsibility as an opportunity.

Can we become stronger by hearing others’ stories of resilience?

A study conducted by Pilar Hernandez-Wolfe, Ph.D., David Gangsei, Ph.D., and David Engstrom, Ph.D., found that we could build resilience simply by hearing another person recount a personal struggle met with triumph. The Vicarious Resilience (VR) process includes the following concepts:

1.       Witness

• One listens to the account of another person’s experiences with struggle then reflects on the magnitude of that struggle in comparison to the immeasurable progress the individual has made in recovering.

2.       Reevaluate

• One reassesses the significance of his or her own problems in light of the struggles encountered and recounted by another individual.

3.       Inspire

• One considers the other person’s culture, the function of spirituality, and experiences and is inspired by the other’s resilience and growth.

(Read More) I love the message behind the experiment.

The Insight – We can learn so much from others if we take the time to listen. It is hard to tune out interruptions and learn to quiet ourselves but doing so allows us to focus our attention. Consider the conversations you share with others as opportunities for personal development and relationship growth. If you ever think to yourself “I can’t,” and need motivation, hearing about someone’s struggles, empathizing with that person and recognizing the tremendous courage they exhibited to succeed may inspire you if you listen.

Have you noticed any new opportunities lately?

By Sheba

www.bySheba.com

Creating Positive Perspectives for Life

“If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded.” ~Maya Angelou

Being able to care for, serve, or give others your compassion, kindness, and attention are all acts of selflessness that add to the human experience. But how do we maintain our best selves when we feel our giving capacity is overextended.

Can resilience provide the support we need to maintain our best selves?

Yes, it can! The American Psychological Association provides 10 helpful tips to remind us that through resilience we can learn to be our best selves:

1. Spend time with family and friends to enhance feeling of connectedness, belongingness and gain support

2. Manage your perspective by analyzing the present and making steps toward the future you desire

3. Welcome and accommodate life changes openly and view each change as an opportunity for personal growth

4. Constantly pursue your goals and never let go of what strengthens you

5. Be deliberate in your actions and maintain your convictions in the face of challenges

6. Seek opportunities to build self-awareness

7.Cultivate a positive self-concept

8. Look at life as a learning lesson- focus on savoring the uplifting moments and carrying them with you when you move forward

9. Maintain hope for the future and envision success

10. Nurture your physical, mental and spiritual needs

The Insight – Putting your best self forward and caring for others requires that we replenish personal resilience. After all, replenishing resilience is one of the easiest ways to satisfy our most basic human needs.

How do you replenish your resilience?

By Sheba

www.bySheba.com

Creating Positive Perspectives for Life

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” ~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

It’s easy to fall back on the old proverb, “an eye for an eye,” when we feel we’ve been wronged or harmed, especially in our relationships. But how do we respond positively to adversity to build up the relationship instead of tear it down?

What do we need to build up resilience in our relationships?

According to The Resilience Scale, created by Gail M. Wagnild and Heather M. Young, the foundations of resilience begins with:

1. Identifying purpose and meaning for your life and relationships

2. Sustaining a strong resolve to pursue that purpose when faced with challenges in your relationships

3. Maintaining poise, positivity, optimism, humor and a sense of calm when the future of your relationship seems unclear

4. Being at peace with yourself and the other person in the relationship, exactly where you are in life, and owning your own identity and encouraging your partner or friend to do the same.

The Insight – Building resilience in relationships begins with strengthening resilience in yourself. It takes a conscious, daily effort to recognize and reward yourself for personal growth and feel confident with who you are today. Only after you have learned to acknowledge your own strengths will you be able to recognize the strengths in others and put forth the effort to make a valuable relationship work.

What resilient qualities do you posses?

By Sheba

www.bySheba.com

Creating Positive Perspectives for Life

The Scenario: Have you ever been on a date with a man who didn’t open the door for you, or pull out your chair? Have you ever held the door open for your date, or pulled out her chair and didn’t receive a thank you? It’s almost as if manners have become a lost art. When your efforts are not received with humility, it’s only natural to become frustrated.

How do you return the lost art of humility to your life?

Some describe humility as one of the highest human virtues. We will define humility as being proud to possess human characteristics such as humbleness, courteousness and modesty. Humility is never imposing, rude, arrogant or expectant.

Three steps toward humility.

1. Make the Offer

• Offer your attention, time, assistance, gratitude, feedback and support when needed. Those actions begin the standards for humility and servitude in your relationship.

2. Lead by Example

• Your actions should be an indication of what you hope to have others return to you.

3. Do Not Judge

• If you are not treated in the manner you hope for, do not judge the other person or waiver in your resolve to possess humility. Maintain your personal integrity and either he or she will begin to change, or you will grow tired of poor treatment.

The Insight: Practice acts of kindness and give what you hope to receive in return. Be that person in all aspects of your life that and lead others toward restoring the lost art of humility.

Can you start to restore humility in your life today?

By Sheba

www.bySheba.com

A Positive Perspective for Life, Love, and Relationships

Thank you so much for your interest in The Insight, by Sheba. I hope you enjoyed this week’s blogs about “Leadership Roles in Relationships.”

Next week’s topic will be “Compromise and Sacrifice.”

There are many opportunities and examples of leadership roles in our personal relationships. I enjoyed understanding the positive aspects of why we change so much in relationships and the later affects of forming attachments during childhood.

Friday Review: Happy Reading!

1. Define Them!

• Know what your expectations are and make no assumptions that your partner’s are the same. In a relationship, you and your partner, or friend, are working toward a common goal: a healthy, functional, mutually beneficial partnership. Clearly define the mutually accepted roles and expectations to alleviate role ambiguity. It will foster a path for growth and awareness.

2. Learn to Let Go.

• In this age of technology we are taught to believe that we can accomplish interpersonal relationships similar to the way we manage the leadership roles of our complex daily lives; create the list and check “done.” But that is not always so. The checklist is only a small part of the game and we can’t always be the leader. Sometimes it’s best to simply enjoy life for what it has to offer and follow its path.

3. As Parents, Adults, and Partners.

• Attachment is an individual’s perspective about his or her future based on childhood experiences. Healthy attachments occur when there is a balance between dependence and independence. As a parent, you are the leader of a child’s life, responsible for creating an environment that has lifelong implications. As an adult, you are the leader of your life understanding that you can change your perspective about your own future. As a partner, you are a compassionate leader working to understand the attachment your partner has for you.

4. What Makes us Change?

• When we change our behavior because we are in a relationship with someone, yes, we may be the follower and they the leader, but it also could be that we are inspired, encouraged, motivated, optimistic, challenged, given a sense of purpose, supported and respected. In the right relationship, being a leader or a follower is aligned with your personal goals.

The Insight: Leadership roles in relationships are complex. Both partners are responsible for defining them to benefit the relationship and learning to let go of them when the time comes. It’s equally important to understand that each role has a direct effect on the relationship and that when aligned with personal values a healthy union between partners is nourished.

Have a wonderful weekend!

By Sheba

www.bySheba.com

A Positive Perspective for Life, Love, and Relationships

The Scenario: Your friend has changed. He or she has been running at 5:00 am, eating healthier, going to concerts, plays, wine tastings and charity events. Yep. It’s a new relationship. He or she has been seeing someone new for four months. Although you are disappointed at the lack of time you get to spend together you have noticed your friend’s positive changes in behavior.

Why do people change when they are in a relationship?

James MacGregor Burns’ Transformational Theory offers one explanation. This type of change in a person’s behavior takes place when a leader and follower in a relationship raise each other’s level of motivation, morality, human conduct and ethical aspirations.

There are four types of Transformational Leadership:

1. Individualized Concentration: The follower is intrinsically motivated. The leader or mentor provides empathy and support by listening, cultivating open communication, challenging the follower and celebrating contributions.
2. Intellectual Stimulation: The leader promotes and nurtures creativity and individual thought with the belief that unexpected situations create opportunities for new discoveries.
3. Inspirational Motivation: The leader provides his or her followers with an inspiring vision of the future, creates a sense of purpose and encourages higher personal standards.
4. Idealized Influence: The leader is a role model with high moral standards. He or she obtains the respect and trust of the follower or inspired.

Your friend changed because he or she wanted to.

The Insight: When we change our behavior because we are in a relationship with someone, yes, we may be the follower and they  the leader, but we could also could be inspired, encouraged, motivated, optimistic, challenged, given a sense of purpose, supported and respected. In the right relationship, being a leader or a follower is aligned with your personal goals.

By Sheba

www.bySheba.com

A Positive Perspective for Life, Love, and Relationships

The Scenario: Do you have friends that develop attachments to strangers quickly? You know, the ones that hop in and out of relationships at the drop of a hat. They’re completely devastated and heart-broken every other weekend, but come Wednesday morning they’ve found the love of their life … again. Why is that?

Why do some people become attached to others so quickly?

According to Dr. Phillip R. Shaver, the way we formulate attachments and relationships as adults is a direct reflection of the attachment we experienced throughout our childhood.

1. Secure attachment: A trusting relationship between child and caregiver was created because all childhood needs were satisfied. Secure attachments during childhood result in trust and assurance that needs will be satisfied during adulthood.
2. Avoidant attachment: Needs were not met but rejected during childhood and result in suppressed needs in the future. Adults who experience avoidant attachment as children do not depend on others and generally avoid intimacy in their adult relationships.
3. Anxious/Ambivalent attachment: Needs were met with inconsistency causing uncertainty and anxiety for the satisfaction of future needs. Individuals who experienced anxious ambivalent attachment during childhood will likely be fearful that their efforts and the intimacy they offer in a relationship will not be matched.

The Insight: As a parent, you are the leader of a child’s life, responsible for creating an environment that has lifelong implications. As an adult, you are the leader of your life understanding that you can change your perspective about the future. As a partner, you are a compassionate leader working to understand the attachment your partner has for you. Recognize your role, put forth your best self and be a role model for others.

What are your leadership roles?

By Sheba

www.bySheba.com

A Positive Perspective for Life, Love, and Relationships

The Scenario: The subscriptions to Match.com and eHarmony have finally paid off you have a date tonight. The detailed checklist you created lists everything you want in a partner, right down to his or her level of education and personal hobbies. But when you combine technology with your natural leadership skills, you’ve forgotten the basics about attraction.

Will you recognize your potential partner if you are too busy comparing him or her to a list?

Things to Remember:

1. The physiological changes in your body that take place at the mere sight of him or her
2. The goose bumps that make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when he or she says your name
3. The connection you feel by simply being together

Even as a natural born leader you can’t anticipate, control or list that on any database. The Insight: In this age of technology we are taught to believe that we can manage our interpersonal relationships similar to the way we manage the leadership roles of our complex daily lives; create the list and check “done.” But that is not always so. The checklist is only a small part of envisioning success and we can’t always be the leader. Sometimes it’s best to enjoy life for what it has to offer, let your inner peace lead your quests, and learn to let go.

Can you let go of your leadership role in relationships?

By Sheba

www.bySheba.com

A Positive Perspective for Life, Love, and Relationships